The Alcoholic Pt. 3 (+ The Ward)

Continuing the story from Alcoholic Pt. 2

So here I was being pushed in a wheelchair into the psychiatric ward of the hospital. It was late at night so everyone was in bed. The night nurse greeted me and he kindly gave me a cigarette because I was craving so badly (I used to chain smoke when I got really upset, but I am proud to say that I have now broken that bad habit). He then proceeded to give me a sleeping pill which I refused to take. I am not a fan of medication and I will avoid it at all costs. I convinced him to let me go to bed without it and he agreed as long as I was asleep by the time he did his rounds. He then escorted me to my room. Upon seeing that there was 2 beds in the room I started to get quite nervous because there would be no way I could sleep with a stranger in the room, he then told that the other person staying in the room was on a day pass so she wouldn’t be back until the next morning. This relieved me quite a bit and I feel asleep very quickly after that.

The next morning I spent a lot of time in bed and drifting in and out of sleep. My parents came to visit me and bring me some clothes and toiletries. I went and had a shower and then slipped into my silk pajamas. My parents then left and said they would be back later.

During this time all I wanted was to get out of that place, I would constantly ask the nurses when I would get to leave and they would always tell me, “As soon as you see the psychiatrist, he will decide what need to be done.” Then my next question would obviously be “Well when can I see him?” and they would reply with “He’s a busy man, we don’t know when he will be down here.”

This would send me into a panic state, I felt trapped and scared, I just wanted to be at home in my own bed. The nurses would talk to me and help me calm down and I really appreciate them for that. I was so stressed that I was unable to eat until lunch came and I only ate that because they made me. I walked around in my pajamas and was told many times that I was allowed to wear normal clothes, but I felt comfortable in them and hell, if I’m in a psych ward might as well act a little crazy!

My parents came back to visit me, I am forever grateful for their never ending support. They stayed with me until the psychiatrist was able to see me which was around 5 pm. I answered a bunch of questions for him, describing as best as I could all the thoughts that plagued me. He then talked with my parents for a while and then invited me back into the room. This is when he told me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea what it was but I was just happy that I was allowed to go home.

When I got out of the hospital I became in contact with The Alcoholic again. He said he was sorry for sending me to the hospital but instead of anger, I was grateful for it because I finally had a diagnosis and a chance for recovery.

 

After this, I quit my job and The Alcoholic and I moved back into our parents’ places. We continued to date and I spent most of my time over at his place. The fighting continued as usual and got particularly bad again one night at a part of one of his friends place.

The night was going pretty good, but The Alcoholic was starting to get obnoxiously drunk. We started to play darts and he shot over the amount he was supposed to get or something like that. He proceeded to get violently angry with me, telling me that it was my fault and I should have told him how many points he needed. I started crying because I was scared and as you know, I can’t tolerate yelling. I guess my crying made him more upset and he ended up slapping me across the face and spitting on me in front of everyone there. He then left the party and I was by myself being consoled by the other party goers.

That was the last time I dealt with The Alcoholic. It was the final straw, especially since everyone had seen what he had done. It made it much easier to stay away from him because of the strong support system.

The Alcoholic is currently in a relationship with someone who is much closer to his age. The recently had a baby together, adding to her 4 kids and his 1 child that he has with another woman. I feel horrible for this child because I know that The Alcoholic wasn’t there for the one kid he already has, I just hope that history doesn’t repeat itself for the sake of this other child.

Just give me mercy and a minute now. x

The Alcoholic Pt.1

I’ve been really putting off writing about this relationship… I guess subconsciencely I don’t want to deal with it or something. But here I am writing about it because I know that if I don’t then it will continue to brew inside of me and utlimately that won’t help me any. So here it goes…

The next relationship on my list is The alcoholic. We had known eachother for a while and had even worked together at one point, but we didn’t consider getting together until we came across eachothers profiles on POF. He was definitely was known as a bad guy and I suppose I was drawn to that. I wasn’t very physically attracted to him and he was 7 years older than me ( I was 18 at the time) but I wanted someone to care about me.

He invited me over to his friends place for some drinks after I finished work. We had a pretty good time, but he got pretty drunk. He had invited me to go fishing the next morning and told me that it would be a very early morning so I should be ready to go and outside of my house for 6. So, he walked me back to my place that night and I went straight to bed because I wanted to be well rested for my exciting fishing trip in the morning.

The next morning, I got up early and got ready and waited outside of my basement suite for him to pick me up. An hour passed by and he never showed up… So I went inside and back to bed and I was totally disappointed. Later he texted me like nothing had happened, and I told him that I was waiting for him all morning. He had totally forgotten that he had invited me and told me that he had passed out and was unable to wake up in time. I later found out that this was a lie and he  had just chose to stand me up.

So our relationship didn’t start out on a great note, but I decided to look past it and continue to pursue it. He still lived at home with his parents but they were away for a while so I spent a few nights there. Once they came home he started spending more and more time at my place. Next thing I know, he was starting to move his stuff in – BIG mistake!

Things went downhill fast, that’s always the case when you move in with someone too early. After less than a month of dating, his birthday came up. I took half of the day off of work so that I could come home and start making a nice steak dinner for him. I was surprised that when I got there he wasn’t home (he didn’t work). So I called him to see where he was at and he said he was at his friends house having a few drinks. I told him that’s fine and asked if he could be home for around 6pm because I was making dinner.

6pm came and left, and there was no sign of The Alcoholic. I called him and asked him to come home but he was too drunk to be reasonable. I was devastated. I called and begged but I continued to be hung up on constantly. So I decided to just lay down and cry. He then came home and told me to get my ass out of bed because he wanted me to come to another friends house to party. I told him that I would come but I needed a bit to get ready since I had been crying so much that my face was a mess. This wasn’t possible for him because he wanted to get going right away. He then threw the dinner I made for him and stormed out of the house.

Obviously, this really upset me as well, so I crawled back into bed and continued to feel sorry for myself. I started thinking about the events that had occurred and I decided that it was his birthday, I am his girlfriend and I should suck it up and make sure he has a good time. So I got ready and started walking up to his friends place… in the rain to top it off. I got there about 40 mins later and he greeted me with “You are pretty ignorant to just show up here.”. I told him that I figured I was still invited, he then made it very clear that I wasn’t anymore. So I turned around, bawling my eyes out and started walking home.

I went into bed and fell asleep. I woke up at around 12 or so and he wasn’t home so I decided to call him to see what was going on. He was at a different party now an told me he was doing cocaine. He then proceeded to put me on speakerphone for everyone to hear while I cried and begged him to just come home. He hung up on me and turned off his phone, so I just went back to bed and figured it would all be better in the morning.

I woke up again at 6am and he still wasn’t home. So I decided to go for a walk, mostly to just calm myself down because I was starting to have anxiety and also to see if he was at his house… I didn’t want to call the house because it was so early and he phone was still off. I was unable to tell if he was home so I went and visited my friend that was opening the local deli. She consoled me and I returned home and went to bed.

Looking back I can’t believe that the first month of our relationship was so rocky, the beginning is supposed to be some of  the best times. And to think that I continued for 11 months after this absolutely blows me away. But as they say, “Hindsight is 20/20”.

I don’t think I can continue writing anymore for tonight. I am over The Alcoholic but writing about these experiences has reminded me how I felt in these situations and it’s a bit overwhelming. I plan to continue writing about this relationship over a series of posts so stay tuned!

Just give me mercy and a minute now. x