I was going to write this in the morning but I can’t seem to sleep, so I am writing this from my bed on my phone.
I am going to continue the story of my relationship with The Alcoholic, it’s hard to remember it all but I will do my best.
The day after the big fight (that I mentioned in my previous post) was my dad’s birthday. Because I was so upset about what happened, I didn’t spend any time with him. This is something that I truly regret because I ignored someone who has always loved me and been there for me unconditionally because I was upset about someone who really couldn’t give 2 suits about me. I know that this hurt my father a lot and I have made sure that I have not missed another family event due to some guy. The problem with borderline personality disorder is that when something bad happens, it seems like it’s the end of the world and nothing else matters. I need to learn how to not shut down when I am upset and this is something I am continuing to work on.
So after that fight The Alcoholic and I continued our relationship in our little basement suite (there wasn’t even a door on the bedroom!”) The walls in the place were ridiculously thin and we would be able to hear my landlord screaming at her kids as soon as she came home. I absolutely hate screaming and yelling, as I’m sure many do, but when I say hate I mean I can not tolerate it, even when it’s not directed at me. My body and mind completely shut down and I am as stiff as a board until it stops. With all the stress of that plus the fact that my best friend who lived above could hear us having sex, The Alcoholic and I decided we needed to find a new place to live.
I had a 5 month lease on the place we were currently in and had only been there for 4 so we decided to just pay the rent of that place for one more month and then pay the damage deposit and rent of the other place as well. During the month that we had the two places, we lived in the new one and slowly moved out of the old one (Why not? It was still technically our place) well during the time that we weren’t there, my landlord was going into our place and rooting around. I got a nasty voice mail from her one day, freaking out about how the place wasn’t cleaned out yet. We ended up having a huge arguement because it is illegal to go into your tenants place without 24 hour notice or it being an emergency. But anyways after that we moved out as quickly as possible and we’re away from that crazy lady.
I was hoping that now that we were in a new place that maybe we could have a fresh start on our relationship…. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Nothing changed. I would go to one of my two jobs all day and come back to see that he hadn’t moved at all, he was still stuck on the couch playing Call of Duty. This would drive me absolutely insane and would cause many fights. This resulted in many fists going thru our walls (not from me) and many tears being shed (from me).
The Alcoholic loved his liquor and he loved to play softball. I really enjoyed watching him play and keeping score for the team because it was something I did as a little girl with my father. But I started to notice that to him it became just an excuse to drink a ton of beer and less about the game. I remember he had a tournament one weekend that started at 8am, as soon as we got into the car at 7am, his first beer was cracked. When I said something to him he replied with “It’s softball, it’s a tourney! I HAVE to drink.” He believed that he layer better with a few drinks in him but honestly, this was NOT the case , I watched him trip over nothing in the outfield more times then I can count.
A lot of our fights stemed from his addiction for alcohol. I was always 2nd place when it came to it. I started to have really low self esteem and worth, and suddenly I had fallen into a full on depression.
One night we had another bad fight (as usual), the Alcoholic had became physically abusive towards me and I was just so upset that I went to the bathroom and began cutting the top of my wrist. I was just so overwhelmed and I needed the release. When had finished and came out of the bathroom about 30 min later, he saw and called the police and ambulance.
The medics and police arrived shortly and I was asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I declined and they left. Looking back I am not too clear on why they were allowed to leave but they did.
I can’t exactly remember what happened next but I guess I started acting irractically on front of the police officers, something like saying I was just going to walk home for 40 mins by myself. I guess they didn’t like that too much so they arrested me under the mental health act. I was then taken away to the hospital.
At the hospital, I went through all the formalities and it was decided that I needed to be admitted into the psych ward. This was terrifying for me because I hate to feel trapped, and I had no choice in the matter.
A man picked me up in a wheelchair and off I went through the maze of the hospital to the looney bin….
I feel like this might be a good place to stop, I don’t want my post getting too long and there is still so much to talk about. Also, I am getting rather tired. So I will continue this story in the morning! Goodnight!
Just give me mercy and a minute now. x
Mercy and a Minute Now 